I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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