I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
