i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
