My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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