Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
