YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize