Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
