I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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