I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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