I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
