im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
