Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
