she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
