last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
