Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
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