Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
