I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
