When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
