is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Still dying that you shit outside
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
