just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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