bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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