whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
