one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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