I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
