but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
