MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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