I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
