At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
So squirting runs in the family.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
