dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize