I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
