I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
