Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
