Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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