I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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