Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Hippo gnu deer
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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