Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize