Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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