you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
