Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
