I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Randomize
