drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
