Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
