what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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