i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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