Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize
