New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
