I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
