I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
