I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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