tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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