Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
