I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
