Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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