I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
