Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize