i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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