thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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